Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize