so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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