That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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