I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
