my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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