you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
wow bdsm is so cute
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
