I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
