Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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