member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
