His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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