Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You brought string cheese to the strip club
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
