I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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