oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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