we have pet lesbian snakes
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
