I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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