The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
