I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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