We won't sleep together?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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