She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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