She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
