I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
