i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
