im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
