glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
