Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
