I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
