I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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