Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize