I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
