Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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