I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
