You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
