it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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