the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
