ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
