Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
