You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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