Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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