I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
