So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
