If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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