for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My penis needs a shock collar
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
