we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
