I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
