It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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