I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize