Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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