Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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