I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
