turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
