Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
