I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
