No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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