I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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