my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
