I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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